Doing it wrong.

Life by the Spirit

13 You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh[a]; rather, serve one another humbly in love. 14 For the entire law is fulfilled in keeping this one command: “Love your neighbor as yourself.”[b] 15 If you bite and devour each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other.

16 So I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. 17 For the flesh desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the flesh. They are in conflict with each other, so that you are not to do whatever[c] you want. 18 But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law.

19 The acts of the flesh are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; 20 idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions 21 and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.

22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. 24 Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. 25 Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit. 26 Let us not become conceited,provoking and envying each other.

Have you ever been in a situation where you finally realize that this whole time you've been doing something absolutely wrong? Well, this has just happened to me. Long story short I've been taking God's love and God's grace for granted.

My name is Chun kit Lam i once thought i was a good christian because I'm a overall nice guy who helps his friends every once a while, helps the homeless, show people love, claimed that i loved God. Theres a deeper darkness about me though, my name is Chunkit Lam and I've been a blind sinner who's been abusing the grace of God. I completely misunderstood God's "Love one another as i have loved you command". I thought now if i just loved everyone i would be ok and that was pleasing to God. Do not get me wrong i always knew that it is not by my deeds that i will get into heaven but i figured let me just love people and one day my sins will change and i will be a better man.

My name is Chunkit lam and recently i realized how terrible i was abusing the grace of God. I had the thought of its easier to ask for forgiveness than it is to ask permission. I am a great sinner, i lie, steal, greed, sexually immoral, lust, lazy, and much more. But..... i Love God.... i know its very hypocritical....but its the truth.....

I make myself sound like a big deal with worldly things. The funny thing is that i am very scared to die. I had a incident a few years back where i almost died and ever since then I've been very scared of dying. I want to go to heaven and i cannot wait to see God but i didn't want to die. Im so scared of hell, the thought of having to suffer every second for the rest of eternity is so unbearable for me.

Its so hard to go to the Father.... thats why i understand now how much we really need Jesus. My sins are so wretched.... i cannot present myself to my father who has been so good to me and provided for me. But for some odd reason i can go to Jesus now i understand why Jesus is so important.

Father.....

I'm so sorry....i love you so much and i hope you love me more. Ive been messed up seeking so many things of this world and taking your grace for granted but i am done with excuses. God please change my heart, please make me pure, free, and Holy through you're son and spirit. I need your help...if not i will surely die....forgive me....and change me. Please Lord.

Greatness that fails.

I want to be great, I think I am great and sometimes I get upset when I cannot be great or there are things holding me back from being great. Least greatness in the way of the worlds.

I have became this power hungry monster but at the same time I call me self a child of God and tries to remain humble in the things that I do. I am humble until someone brings me down and when that happens I am furious and my boat rocks. But what if that brings me down is not someone or something but myself? How do I fix that? How do I fight the that all brings me down.

I tell myself I own a business, a few businesses, a decent car, great family, a dog, and even a beautiful girlfriend and soon to be fiancé. I tell myself I am great and I can do many things. Amongst all these things something is weighing my joy down.

I have been wanting to buy a new car but yet I have found a clear reason why. Is it the prestige? Is it bragging rights? 

When people bring me down I get upset for example my uncle when he shows authority over me I get so upset . I start telling myself aren't I a boss too? Wouldn't I have as much of a day as he does? I'm getting older and he has no right to talk to me like that. 

But what is its myself that's holding me down? I tell myself I am great but why am I always scared of dying? What's going on inside of me? O my soul, what troubles you so much that you may not let me sleep? Why am I so paranoid of my life? Is it God who cursed me with this to keep me in place? But what if it's Gods blessing in disguise? 

Today h realized how far I've gone from the lord. God gave something so simple and most important in life and very thing is life and breath itself. I will never understand anything, I will never understand why I am the way I am. How can insist I love God when I do all these terrible things and think the way I do? But the truth is that I love Jesus but I'm so bad..... I'm terrible and disgusting to be doing al these things and acting this disgusting.

I am hugging my father while I'm stabbing him in his back and spitting on his face.

My god my god my god.... This emptiness is unbearable... I'm trying all these things but fill myself but it does not fit. Is the hole too big? Please fill this hole and let me realize everything that ice received is from you. I live and I die for you. Teach me lord to live for you... And if I do die right now let me die in peace. lord you give and take away, please do not hold on to what I will one day eventually lose. 

I'm so sad God.... I'm so mad.....I'm so scared.... I'm so lost.... Come save me. 

My God who has died for me teach me how to die not only for you by to you.

Scared of death and scared to death.

PI've learned something very scary about my self... I've learned that I'm very scared of dying and losing all the things of this world. Wether it's something of possessions or my future with a happy family.

I think this all started when i went to the ER for my heart racing at 180-200 bpm. Long story short I wasn't taking care of my self well and at the same time I was dealing with lots of stress. That day I thought I was going to die and I was praying to God over and over again to let me live and I'll be a better this or a better that.

I need to learn to deny my self and take up to cross. I need to learn to really give up my life to God. Literally. If I live i live for the lord and if I die I die for the lord. I'm holding to this world too much and I must learn to give my life up and look up to his kingdom.

Father,

I have no idea what to do. I'm so scared all the time because I don't know what is to come. I'm afraid I wont live past 40.

Please Lord take this cup from me. Let me already die in you so that even if I do die nothing will scare me. Teach me how to let go of everything to you. I can't do it by my self and I have no idea what to even do. I am so lost and scared but teach me to trust you. Teach me to be more obiedient to your word and spend more time with you God. Thank you Father. In Jesus name. Amen