Greatness that fails.

I want to be great, I think I am great and sometimes I get upset when I cannot be great or there are things holding me back from being great. Least greatness in the way of the worlds.

I have became this power hungry monster but at the same time I call me self a child of God and tries to remain humble in the things that I do. I am humble until someone brings me down and when that happens I am furious and my boat rocks. But what if that brings me down is not someone or something but myself? How do I fix that? How do I fight the that all brings me down.

I tell myself I own a business, a few businesses, a decent car, great family, a dog, and even a beautiful girlfriend and soon to be fiancé. I tell myself I am great and I can do many things. Amongst all these things something is weighing my joy down.

I have been wanting to buy a new car but yet I have found a clear reason why. Is it the prestige? Is it bragging rights? 

When people bring me down I get upset for example my uncle when he shows authority over me I get so upset . I start telling myself aren't I a boss too? Wouldn't I have as much of a day as he does? I'm getting older and he has no right to talk to me like that. 

But what is its myself that's holding me down? I tell myself I am great but why am I always scared of dying? What's going on inside of me? O my soul, what troubles you so much that you may not let me sleep? Why am I so paranoid of my life? Is it God who cursed me with this to keep me in place? But what if it's Gods blessing in disguise? 

Today h realized how far I've gone from the lord. God gave something so simple and most important in life and very thing is life and breath itself. I will never understand anything, I will never understand why I am the way I am. How can insist I love God when I do all these terrible things and think the way I do? But the truth is that I love Jesus but I'm so bad..... I'm terrible and disgusting to be doing al these things and acting this disgusting.

I am hugging my father while I'm stabbing him in his back and spitting on his face.

My god my god my god.... This emptiness is unbearable... I'm trying all these things but fill myself but it does not fit. Is the hole too big? Please fill this hole and let me realize everything that ice received is from you. I live and I die for you. Teach me lord to live for you... And if I do die right now let me die in peace. lord you give and take away, please do not hold on to what I will one day eventually lose. 

I'm so sad God.... I'm so mad.....I'm so scared.... I'm so lost.... Come save me. 

My God who has died for me teach me how to die not only for you by to you.