Broken, and can be only fixed by maker.

I started being on fire, where all I wanted to do was to serve God, please god and be close to God. Then, the fire went away and lived a average mediocre life. After some time I got cold, I was slipping away from God, what mattered to me before didn't matter as much. Then, I started to become unhappy, the joy I once had was gone. This time was a little bit different besides my joy in Christ was fading away my personal joy was also gone. And now, now I am upset, sad, and angry hurting my family and friends. I am not aware of what I do. I don't know why I feel this sense of resentment or bitterness. I feel like I need to control everything and the harder I try to hold on something the more it slips out of my hand.

I feel so broken I feel that I'm not doing anything I was called to do or anything that is close. I don't know how I am broken, what made me become like this and what it is I can do to fix it. All I know is that this problem can be only fixed by God himself. 

Everyday I hope for signs from God, I force my self to look out for signs of him, answers, encouragement, but can't find anything. I tried to obey and force myself to read amongst his words maybe something will tell me what it is and speaks to me. 

What fears me the most is that it is getting worst, more bitterness, sadness, anger, and judgementalness. Just today a friend confronted me about my reckless behavior, and I realized I needed a time out. They have done nothing wrong to me but I am so ungrateful. These burst of anger and rage gets me into trouble, I say words that I can't take back. What was once the loving character in me is now gone. I find people's mistake and I hurt them for it. Maybe I'm so weak myself, so weak that I feel like if I point out the wrongs of others I might feel a little bit less vulnerable.

Loneliness, the level of loneliness that I feel is unbearable. I search for acknowledgement to fill that space, when I am satisfied it becomes a drug for me until my next fix. When I am let down I become like a storm destroying everything in my way including my self. I tell my self that I am in control and it feels amazing, but now I realize I am not in control at all. I tried to control others but my soul is raging inside me, it is recklessly bouncing back and fourth. The irony of trying to control others, when I have no control at all in my self.

These Christian songs, these wonderful sermons, these daily verses, and these words of wisdom from friends. They give me faith and hope, but the hope withers away like melting ice in the sun. Yes, yes that is exactly what it is, my hope is ice, and what ever my problem is, it acts as a scorching sun. It is ready to not only melt me away, but completely dry me out.

I tell my self maybe this loneliness I feel is because I am single without a mate, and this feeling will eventually go away once I am settled down. But no, no a mate will be enough. These feels, these holes, these scars, this unsatisfacation can be only filled by God. Broken, and can only be fixed by my maker.

O joy of mine, where have you gone to? O God of mine, when will you come for me? O heart of mine, how much more can you bare? 

God, hear my cry, and see my wounds. I am in desperate need of you. What ever that is broken cannot function, and what ever that is broken can not be used and must be thrown away. Please save me from this that I know not of. I believe, I do believe that you are greater than all these. Show me your heart for me, let me put my fingers through your wounds, and let me look through

your punctured hand. I am weak God and cannot stand, please carry me and treat me like a child. In Christ name, Amen.